I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
