When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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