i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
