I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
