please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
