I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
