Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We got so high we made milksteak
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
