I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
