im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
