Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
