Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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