just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
