I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
