Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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