This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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