Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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