There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i drank out of a bidet.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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