i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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