Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
