I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
