I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
