So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
