i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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