i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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