Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
