He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
