I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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