either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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