i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
