I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish you could order shots online.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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