I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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