come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
