she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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