So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
