I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I love having hate sex.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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