Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
