I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
