did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
