she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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