Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
