i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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