I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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