went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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