Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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