im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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