Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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