I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
