It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
