Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
