There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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